All sources are anonymous.

Kinect Four


In what could be considered a direct contradiction to what we reported here, Microsoft has stated that the true focus and power of the Xbox One lay in the Kinect sensor.  Microsoft is aware that their leading market is that of the ‘North American kid’ demographic.  In a recent survey, it was revealed that a healthy percentage of American kids are morbidly obese, obnoxious cunts.

(Survey brought to you by the international office of fabricated statistics)


It could be said that Microsoft has taken this important market information and based the entire Xbox One around these fat cunts.  We were luckily enough to get in contact with a disgruntled ex-Microsoft employee who was willing to spill the beans on the Kinect 2.o sensor.




“The name, Kinect 2.0, has nothing to do with it being the second generation of the Kinect.  The ‘2.0’ stands for the fact that there are two main areas in which the sensor focuses.  The first is a full-body fat scanner. Did you ever see those cars that won’t start until you take a built in breathaliser test? Well, the Kinect uses the same principle, but for fat bastards. Should the kinect deem you too fat, the user will be prompted to do a 20 minute fitness workout before the console unlocks and enables them to play what they want.


That’s some pretty interesting tech – we asked him to elaborate further on what Kinect 2.0 is capable of:


“The second area is the voice chat integration,” he says. “The reason the Xbox One doesn’t come shipped with a headset is because the Kinect 2.0 does it all for you.”

Simply replacing the need for the headset is merely the tip of the iceberg, though. Obese was only one side of the coin, the other area that Microsoft wanted to address was the obnoxious. Dealing with the sheer number of reported players that were coming in daily from Xbox Live was costing Microsoft more in staff than the entire RROD fiasco.



“To combat this, the Kinect sensor, in combination with the cloud, not only relays voice chat, it substitutes words on the fly as well – rendering offensive language impossible,” he said. “Well that was the theory anyway. We started off by substituting out offensive terms with the political correct equivalent. The end result was that you could still be obnoxious or hurtful, it would just be in more politically correct terminology.”

“We found that the ricochet effect was a far more effective deterrent. With the current software, if you try to verbally abuse another user, the words get replace in such a way that you just abuse yourself.  For example ‘Go fuck your mother’ becomes ‘I fucked my mother’. We tested it on a group of kids and the results were amazing: after 20 minutes of proclaiming how they like to suck big dicks, they completely stopped trying to trash talk each other.”


Apparently all this technology came at a cost, though, and is the reason behind the Xbox One’s inflated price tag.  Our contact went on to say that that, “The whole once-a-day internet connection was nothing to do with DRM, it was about the Kinect 2.0.” However he stopped himself there and said, “It’s reliance on an internet connection definitely had nothing at all to do with uploading secretly recorded footage of the fat kids working out, to the cloud servers.”

By @AngryFodder



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