All sources are anonymous.

Sony Genesis – It’s Alive

Secret documents have been uncovered at a hostess bar in Tokyo, revealing startling details of Sony’s plans for future console gaming.

Discovered by our Tokyo correspondent during a night out with despondent Nintendo sales executives, these blueprints reveal a startling long-term plan for a self-aware artificial intelligence gaming unit we have codenamed “PlayStation Genesis”.

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A detailed flick-through by our man from Japan – who learned the language last week – has revealed the following stunning factoids:

  • Mood-affecting control units with the name “Emotion”.

  • Something about sushi?

  • Some sort of visual organ dubbed PlayStation “Eyes”.

  • Organic parallel processing “Cells”.

  • Some sort of neural net. Or pot-plant? This language is really tough.

  • Reference to “Vita”? A power source?

  • Bizarrely, blue teeth?

The document also contains many references to “the Other”. Some sort of apparent rival architecture. Towards the end of the document, these references have all been crossed-out and a mysterious code-word has replaced them: “BONED”.

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It seems Genesis will feed on the electricity produced by the excited commotion and excitement at the next big Sony reveal – as fans and journalists alike come to a quivering climax at the revelation that their next console won’t bankrupt you.

Kaz Hirai was contacted for comment but declined, saying “We do not comment on rumour or speculation, except when it refers to Microsoft’s marketing plans.” Afterwards, he may have lit a cigar with dollar bills and flashed his best shit-eating grin, as he slowly mounted his solid gold Steed. However, this is also speculation.

Investigations continue at hostess bars throughout Tokyo, further details to follow.

By @PSNWorldOfHurt

 

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