In a surprising development, a company insider today revealed Nintendo has plans to broaden its appeal into a more hardcore gaming audience.
“Players are crying out for us to improve the social aspects of our platform, so we are introducing a service called ‘WiiSomes’, where mature gamers can hook up for friendship, fun and more.”
Avatars with extra physical characteristics will be core to the experience: “It’s time to let grown-ups be grown-ups, so for the first time we will enable gender-specific avatar modifications to allow more expressive body shapes, include Piinis and Boobiis.”
The 18-30 leisure market is targeted, with ‘PartiiRooms’ available for friends and strangers to join ad-hoc, as well as exclusive invite-only ‘Orgiis’ where mature WiiSomes can come together in private.
“We will be bringing out a range of intimate accessories which can be used during Orgiis to create a more engaging experience. For instance, our new GiiString rumble pack, our GiiSpot motion controller and our BootiiCall in-game communicator.”
Plans have also been revealed to bring handheld-owners into the experience – DS and 3DS owners can remotely connect to Orgiis using the new PiipingTom HD virtual reality service.
Starting at £69, WiiSome accessories will be available for discrete mail-order from September 2113.
Microsoft has apparently reacted to recent criticism by sensationally scrapping the Xbox One in favour of a radical redesign.
“The Xbox One was great on paper, but we wanted to give the community something better,” our source revealed. “Our Number Twos will take your breath away. These things really are next-gen shit.”
When asked for specifics, he went on: “Fifty percent more graphics? Seventy-five percent more sound? A hundred percent more voice controls? That makes them at least two hundred times better. Probably three hundred times.”
“And, unlike our competitors, we won’t charge for playing online. Instead we’re shifting to a system called Premium Persistence – you only pay to save your game. It’s that simple. If you don’t want to pay – just play until you’re done and switch off! Simple.”
When pushed, our contact also admitted the following: “Ok, yeah, due to piracy we might have to charge to load games at some point. But we won’t do that until we feel like we can get away with it. And I can confirm there are no current plans for charges to access your messages. Just saving, and changing your password. And logging in.”
Asked about whether they expected a backlash similar to the recent DRM furore, the insider went on to say, “Look, it was wrong to say ‘Just deal with it’. We admit that. So we dealt with it. And I’d like to add that the One was a big deal but our adoring public wanted a better deal. Well our Number Twos are the real deal.”
We wanted to know what the die-hard Microsoft fans had thought of the U-turn: “They know we had the greatest gaming hardware in the past. Remember the riots when the 360 was released? Well that was nothing – wait until you see what happens when Number Two hits the fans!”
It’s a common opinion that Sony’s DualShock 3 was as comfy as holding a house brick with vibrating nails sticking out of it. After a while, arthritis set in and it’s a known fact that the world’s first hand transplant was performed on a DualShock 3 victim.
The transplant failed to take, however, as the user went straight back to the controller, with little regard for the healing period. He was found dead, four years later, his hand having grown around the pad itself. It had essentially assimilated him, feeding his DNA code straight to Sony HQ.
His body was buried at sea and the files were closed for eternity.
With Sony taking this feedback seriously, our sources have confirmed a number of key facts surrounding the DualShock 4’s composition:
- Overall, it’s made to feel as comforting as nuzzling your mothers breast, suckling for milk, as a young infant. The grips themselves are known to have made developers weep with joy. One description heralded them as ‘like handling the penis of God’.
- It’s black.
- It has a light on it.
- It’s shaped like a motherfucking spaceship.
And finally, as a pre-order incentive, Sony are willing to weld a controller to the palm of your hand, lest you ever decide to throw it at a wall. You heard it here first: God’s penis, attached to your hand.
The international federation of old fuckers with no sense of humour held a conference earlier this week. The focus of the conference was a debate on whether video game violence was to be considered harmful and, therefore, banned in the UK.
However, the debate ended up taking an unforeseen route. When the group realised that a ban on video game violence was out of the question, another topic reared its head: sex.
What the group noticed was that violence in video games, although illegal in real life, was found to be acceptable – whereas sex… was not. Obviously, sex in real life is legal and the group soon realised that this is a massive fallacy.
How can something that even video games deem unacceptable be deemed acceptable in the real world? It can’t. Therefore a new law shall be passed, effective immediately. Sex is now a crime. Ban this sick filth. Ban humanity.
Secret documents have been uncovered at a hostess bar in Tokyo, revealing startling details of Sony’s plans for future console gaming.
Discovered by our Tokyo correspondent during a night out with despondent Nintendo sales executives, these blueprints reveal a startling long-term plan for a self-aware artificial intelligence gaming unit we have codenamed “PlayStation Genesis”.
A detailed flick-through by our man from Japan – who learned the language last week – has revealed the following stunning factoids:
Mood-affecting control units with the name “Emotion”.
Something about sushi?
Some sort of visual organ dubbed PlayStation “Eyes”.
Organic parallel processing “Cells”.
Some sort of neural net. Or pot-plant? This language is really tough.
Reference to “Vita”? A power source?
Bizarrely, blue teeth?
The document also contains many references to “the Other”. Some sort of apparent rival architecture. Towards the end of the document, these references have all been crossed-out and a mysterious code-word has replaced them: “BONED”.
It seems Genesis will feed on the electricity produced by the excited commotion and excitement at the next big Sony reveal – as fans and journalists alike come to a quivering climax at the revelation that their next console won’t bankrupt you.
Kaz Hirai was contacted for comment but declined, saying “We do not comment on rumour or speculation, except when it refers to Microsoft’s marketing plans.” Afterwards, he may have lit a cigar with dollar bills and flashed his best shit-eating grin, as he slowly mounted his solid gold Steed. However, this is also speculation.
Investigations continue at hostess bars throughout Tokyo, further details to follow.
Something bad is about to happen. Something even worse than the massive turd that was Kinect Star Wars.
Our sources have revealed that the re-emerging ‘family sharing’ is actually more literal that one would have initially thought.
Despite the original ‘family sharing’ being about awkwardly sharing games that others can’t be fucking bothered to buy, the updated version is actually a way Microsoft get to legally share your family with others.
After 24 hours notice, Microsoft are permitted to legally enter your home and share your family with anyone else. You could also be taken to an undisclosed location and shared with a family under the same scheme.
The dramatic change in the term comes from a loophole in the terms and conditions of the latest Xbox Live terms and conditions. Section 428, paragraph 5 states:
“Any online petition which urges us, Microsoft, to redeem features on our latest console, Xbox One, that were previously scrapped. This legal declaration permits us to translate the feature into the literal meaning of the word, such as: Family sharing – permission to share your family with others, giving a mandatory 24 hours notice.”
“Always-on (including 24 hour check in) – a console which, no matter what, will not switch off. Ever. A requirement of a 24 hour registration at a Microsoft check point, is also mandatory with every Xbox One purchase.”
“Smart Glass – Some really fucking cool looking glass, in the shape of Don Mattrick’s ball sack. $699 with a $15.99 monthly subscription.”
The chances you end up with a family with either ties to organised crime or an over zealous, sweaty uncle, is devastatingly high. Yet it’s a chance Microsoft is willing to accept. They issued the following statement.
“We have a console for those not wanting to share their families. It’s called the Xbox 360”