Guess who’s back, back again, Visceral’s back, tell a friend!
Although being absent for quite some time, a trembling in the force has awoken us from our masturbation induced coma. Don’t worry, we’ve washed our hands.
Before we go any further, and in the interest of transparency, please read the following disclaimer:
Visceral Video Games fully accepts bribes, free merchandise, sexual favours and beer in exchange for both coverage and favourable review scores.
With that out the way, lets move onto #GamerGate:
When information recently leaked online about game journalists being balls deep in games developers, it appears to have given birth to #GamerGate, like some sort of ironic love child.
Rather than being content with merely suckling at the teat, this bastard spawn has developed and mutated at an alarming rate, leaving a trail of destruction in it’s nappy.
Questions about ethics have been raised, conspiracy theories formed and witch hunts started. Some have suggested the whole thing is little more than a platform from which to hurl abuse at women, where as others feel there are legitimate issues being raised about the games industry.
Here at VVG it’s very hard for us to comment, mainly due to our reluctance to care. We’re still hurting from that one time the cake was a lie.
We like cake.
It’s tough at the top and even harder staying there. Being one of the most successful gaming franchises comes at a cost – you’re under constant pressure to innovate as with each new iteration, the fans expect bigger and better.
When it comes to product launches, the Call of Duty series has already set the bar very high for itself. We’ve already seen elaborate versions of the game that come packed with all manner of game themed crap, ranging from free SAS DVDs, night vision goggles and even a remote control quad-rotor. Taking it to the next level, Activision have announced that the collectors edition of Call of Duty ghosts – a game that uniquely features dog themed missions – will come shipped with an Alsatian puppy!
Due for release this Christmas, the “For Life Edition” comes shipped with one pedigree puppy, an exclusive artwork book and a free download of fucking nuke town. It’s exciting news, but has put added pressure on retailers. We spoke with GAME about some of the challenges they faced.
“Having puppies out the back of the store is problematic enough, there’s shit everywhere” said Phil McCavity from GAMES Edinburgh store, who continued “but it’s the online store where we’re really facing concerns. We’ve been doing some dry runs in preparation and, despite bubble wrapping them up tight, 2 out of 3 dogs are still turning up dead”
Activision themselves are also facing possible legal action from the RSPCA who have not only condemned the move but are also investigating reports of “Alsation sex camps” where mass breeding is allegedly taking place to meet the release day demand.
Let us know your thoughts on the matter in the comments section below.
The secret to being amazing at business (and in bed) is to know what your customer wants. If you’re in the midst of foreplay and your partner seems receptive when you rub their balls, you need to take that information and capitalise on it. Rub those mothefuckers like you’re trying to summon a genie. It’s simple supply and demand!
It’s with this mindset that Activision have announced “The Dawg House DLC”. After their E3 presentation of Ghosts, it was quite clear to Activision that canines are the future for Call of Duty series. This first DLC is set to feature all new dog missions, with bonus playable characters such as Snoopy, Scooby Doo, Snoop Doggy Dog, and even a cameo by the Andrex puppy. Along with new single-player missions, there will be some all new exclusive multiplayer modes such as ‘Capture The Bone’ and ‘King of The Sofa’.
So what do you think of this news? Do you think it will be the dog’s bollocks – are Activision barking mad, or are you simply more of a cat person? Let us know in the comments below.
The international federation of old fuckers with no sense of humour held a conference earlier this week. The focus of the conference was a debate on whether video game violence was to be considered harmful and, therefore, banned in the UK.
However, the debate ended up taking an unforeseen route. When the group realised that a ban on video game violence was out of the question, another topic reared its head: sex.
What the group noticed was that violence in video games, although illegal in real life, was found to be acceptable – whereas sex… was not. Obviously, sex in real life is legal and the group soon realised that this is a massive fallacy.
How can something that even video games deem unacceptable be deemed acceptable in the real world? It can’t. Therefore a new law shall be passed, effective immediately. Sex is now a crime. Ban this sick filth. Ban humanity.
In what could be considered a direct contradiction to what we reported here, Microsoft has stated that the true focus and power of the Xbox One lay in the Kinect sensor. Microsoft is aware that their leading market is that of the ‘North American kid’ demographic. In a recent survey, it was revealed that a healthy percentage of American kids are morbidly obese, obnoxious cunts.
(Survey brought to you by the international office of fabricated statistics)
It could be said that Microsoft has taken this important market information and based the entire Xbox One around these fat cunts. We were luckily enough to get in contact with a disgruntled ex-Microsoft employee who was willing to spill the beans on the Kinect 2.o sensor.
“The name, Kinect 2.0, has nothing to do with it being the second generation of the Kinect. The ‘2.0’ stands for the fact that there are two main areas in which the sensor focuses. The first is a full-body fat scanner. Did you ever see those cars that won’t start until you take a built in breathaliser test? Well, the Kinect uses the same principle, but for fat bastards. Should the kinect deem you too fat, the user will be prompted to do a 20 minute fitness workout before the console unlocks and enables them to play what they want.
That’s some pretty interesting tech – we asked him to elaborate further on what Kinect 2.0 is capable of:
“The second area is the voice chat integration,” he says. “The reason the Xbox One doesn’t come shipped with a headset is because the Kinect 2.0 does it all for you.”
Simply replacing the need for the headset is merely the tip of the iceberg, though. Obese was only one side of the coin, the other area that Microsoft wanted to address was the obnoxious. Dealing with the sheer number of reported players that were coming in daily from Xbox Live was costing Microsoft more in staff than the entire RROD fiasco.
“To combat this, the Kinect sensor, in combination with the cloud, not only relays voice chat, it substitutes words on the fly as well – rendering offensive language impossible,” he said. “Well that was the theory anyway. We started off by substituting out offensive terms with the political correct equivalent. The end result was that you could still be obnoxious or hurtful, it would just be in more politically correct terminology.”
“We found that the ricochet effect was a far more effective deterrent. With the current software, if you try to verbally abuse another user, the words get replace in such a way that you just abuse yourself. For example ‘Go fuck your mother’ becomes ‘I fucked my mother’. We tested it on a group of kids and the results were amazing: after 20 minutes of proclaiming how they like to suck big dicks, they completely stopped trying to trash talk each other.”
Apparently all this technology came at a cost, though, and is the reason behind the Xbox One’s inflated price tag. Our contact went on to say that that, “The whole once-a-day internet connection was nothing to do with DRM, it was about the Kinect 2.0.” However he stopped himself there and said, “It’s reliance on an internet connection definitely had nothing at all to do with uploading secretly recorded footage of the fat kids working out, to the cloud servers.”
Valve has finally announced the much anticipated sequel to their coveted series… Fuck it. Half-Life 3 is coming, motherfuckers. The best thing is, it’s coming to mobile, so you’ll be able to play Half-Life while you’re taking a massive dump. Valve announced the game with an exciting new teaser trailer, which you can find below.
A handful of details have surfaced since the announcement. The news that’s got most people talking, though, is the pricing model. Half-Life 3 will be free-to-play (and that’s a lot of hyphens). Gordon starts the game with all of his equipment reset, and the crowbar as a default starting weapon. You can grind to acquire your arsenal, by killing varying amounts of enemies in a Tower Defence minigame. Of course, you can unlock it all from the outset with microtransactions. The gravity gun is rumoured to cost the reasonable price of £30.
We have this exclusive quote from Gabe Newell’s best friend, Dave, “Taking the Half-Life franchise to iOS was a no-brainer. We already have Gordon FREEman, so free-to-play was a natural fit for the story and characters.” With so many AAA franchises creating quality mobile spin-offs of late, it was only a matter of time before someone released a full sequel to a popular franchise on the mobile platform. More on the story as it breaks.
Tell us what you think, in the comments below.