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Watch “13 Minutes of Caribbean Open-World Gameplay | Assassin’s Creed 4 Black Flag [UK]” on YouTube


First Half-Life 3 Screenshot Emerges

Half Life 3 iOS

Further details have emerged regarding Half-Life 3 for iOS. (more…)


Nintendo Reveal “Adult-Only” Social Service

In a surprising development, a company insider today revealed Nintendo has plans to broaden its appeal into a more hardcore gaming audience.

“Players are crying out for us to improve the social aspects of our platform, so we are introducing a service called ‘WiiSomes’, where mature gamers can hook up for friendship, fun and more.”

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Avatars with extra physical characteristics will be core to the experience: “It’s time to let grown-ups be grown-ups, so for the first time we will enable gender-specific avatar modifications to allow more expressive body shapes, include Piinis and Boobiis.”

The 18-30 leisure market is targeted, with ‘PartiiRooms’ available for friends and strangers to join ad-hoc, as well as exclusive invite-only ‘Orgiis’ where mature WiiSomes can come together in private.

“We will be bringing out a range of intimate accessories which can be used during Orgiis to create a more engaging experience. For instance, our new GiiString rumble pack, our GiiSpot motion controller and our BootiiCall in-game communicator.”

Plans have also been revealed to bring handheld-owners into the experience – DS and 3DS owners can remotely connect to Orgiis using the new PiipingTom HD virtual reality service.

Starting at £69, WiiSome accessories will be available for discrete mail-order from September 2113.

By @PSNWorldOfHurt


Exclusive: Another New Pokemon Announced for X and Y


Who is dat pokemon spoiler its cuppy

A new Pokemon has been revealed for X and Y. (more…)


Activision Announces The Dawg House

The secret to being amazing at business (and in bed) is to know what your customer wants. If you’re in the midst of foreplay and your partner seems receptive when you rub their balls, you need to take that information and capitalise on it. Rub those mothefuckers like you’re trying to summon a genie. It’s simple supply and demand!

It’s with this mindset that Activision have announced “The Dawg House DLC”. After their E3 presentation of Ghosts, it was quite clear to Activision that canines are the future for Call of Duty series. This first DLC is set to feature all new dog missions, with bonus playable characters such as Snoopy, Scooby Doo, Snoop Doggy Dog, and even a cameo by the Andrex puppy.  Along with new single-player missions, there will be some all new exclusive multiplayer modes such as ‘Capture The Bone’ and ‘King of The Sofa’.

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So what do you think of this news? Do you think it will be the dog’s bollocks – are Activision barking mad, or are you simply more of a cat person? Let us know in the comments below.

 

By @AngryFodder


Microsoft Reveal Plans For “Xbox Number Twos”

Microsoft has apparently reacted to recent criticism by sensationally scrapping the Xbox One in favour of a radical redesign.

“The Xbox One was great on paper, but we wanted to give the community something better,” our source revealed. “Our Number Twos will take your breath away. These things really are next-gen shit.”

When asked for specifics, he went on: “Fifty percent more graphics? Seventy-five percent more sound? A hundred percent more voice controls? That makes them at least two hundred times better. Probably three hundred times.”

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“And, unlike our competitors, we won’t charge for playing online. Instead we’re shifting to a system called Premium Persistence – you only pay to save your game. It’s that simple. If you don’t want to pay – just play until you’re done and switch off! Simple.”

When pushed, our contact also admitted the following: “Ok, yeah, due to piracy we might have to charge to load games at some point. But we won’t do that until we feel like we can get away with it. And I can confirm there are no current plans for charges to access your messages. Just saving, and changing your password. And logging in.”

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Asked about whether they expected a backlash similar to the recent DRM furore, the insider went on to say, “Look, it was wrong to say ‘Just deal with it’. We admit that. So we dealt with it. And I’d like to add that the One was a big deal but our adoring public wanted a better deal. Well our Number Twos are the real deal.”

We wanted to know what the die-hard Microsoft fans had thought of the U-turn: “They know we had the greatest gaming hardware in the past. Remember the riots when the 360 was released? Well that was nothing – wait until you see what happens when Number Two hits the fans!”

By @PSNWorldOfHurt


Secret DualShock 4 Secrets

It’s a common opinion that Sony’s DualShock 3 was as comfy as holding a house brick with vibrating nails sticking out of it. After a while, arthritis set in and it’s a known fact that the world’s first hand transplant was performed on a DualShock 3 victim.

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The transplant failed to take, however, as the user went straight back to the controller, with little regard for the healing period. He was found dead, four years later, his hand having grown around the pad itself. It had essentially assimilated him, feeding his DNA code straight to Sony HQ.

His body was buried at sea and the files were closed for eternity.

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With Sony taking this feedback seriously, our sources have confirmed a number of key facts surrounding the DualShock 4’s composition:

  • Overall, it’s made to feel as comforting as nuzzling your mothers breast, suckling for milk, as a young infant. The grips themselves are known to have made developers weep with joy. One description heralded them as ‘like handling the penis of God’.
  • It’s black.
  • It has a light on it.
  • It’s shaped like a motherfucking spaceship.

And finally, as a pre-order incentive, Sony are willing to weld a controller to the palm of your hand, lest you ever decide to throw it at a wall. You heard it here first: God’s penis, attached to your hand.

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By @Budgecore7